Life is never what it seems.

Because of this thing called cancer and chemo, I get a lot of time one my hands to just think.  Its probably not the best thing. I tend to just think and think. I think about the road placed before me. Its a very scary road I really don't want to face. I quickly start thinking about the old days. Living back at home. The HEALTHY me. Oh how I miss that person.  The first time I was diagnosed I was never afraid of the "what if this treatment doesn't work." I actually wasn't to scared at all. I knew that it would be a long road and then it would be over. This time is different. I relapsed. It came back after 12 chemo treatments.  Will my body beat this thing once and for all this time. With all this time to think, I also have time to reflect on how I am going to get through this. I am putting all my faith and strength in the Lord. People say that we are given challenges we can handle. We are never given something we can't take on. Well this week I truly am hoping Heavenly Father knows what he is doing. I feel as if I can't take it anymore.  My first fight with cancer, I also had a cousin who was battling brain cancer.  He was young with 4 amazing children. I was 18. Yes, I was young but I didn't have kids or a spouse.  A year after I was done with treatments my cousin passed away after fighting for his life.  It was hard to know that I lived and he left his family behind. I didn't understand.  Earlier this year, in May, my father in law, Darren, was diagnosed with the same kind of brain cancer. It was so hard to watch. I knew the reality of it, but I didn't want to face it. Then in November, I was diagnosed again. I was angry. How am I doing this all over again! My outcome is the same. A cure. For Darren, that wasn't his fate.  Over the weekend I was admitted to the hospital due to low blood counts and a fever.  Two hours after getting admitted, my Darren passed away. My heart broke. Watching my husband sit by my side, stuck in a hospital, holding my hand. I felt terrible.  As hard as this is for me, I can't even imagine how hard this is for my husband. He lost his father and now for the next couple of months, he will have to watch me go through hell. I sat in my hospital bed thinking again. This time I was thinking about how grateful I am. I am so lucky to have Darren in my life. Not just for all that he taught me, but for the AMAZING son he has raised.  I wish he knew how grateful I am for the example he set all his life for his children. It's because of what Darren and Leslie has done that I now have a husband that will carry me through this challenge. After all that has happened, Sandy still hasn't lost hope. He hasn't lost hope for happiness, health, and better days. If anything he is more positive. I know now that I can take on this challenge. I have a best friend, husband, and superhero by my side helping me through it. I also have angles in Heaven cheering me on.  Life is never what it seems. It always throws us curve balls. We just have to be ready to swing away. 

McCleve Family ( August 2012)